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Fun
& Games
Take
a few minutes from your busy schedule to have a little fun.
Playwright
Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief
of the Communist Party in China.
HU'S
ON FIRST
By
James Sherman
(We
take you now to the Oval Office.)
George:
Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi:
Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George:
Great. Lay it on me.
Condi:
Hu is the new leader of China.
George:
That's what I want to know.
Condi:
That's what I'm telling you.
George:
That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi:
Yes.
George:
I mean the fellow's name.
Condi:
Hu.
George:
The guy in China.
Condi:
Hu.
George:
The new leader of China.
Condi:
Hu.
George:
The Chinaman!
Condi:
Hu is leading China.
George:
Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi:
I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George:
Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi:
That's the man's name.
George:
That's who's name?
Condi:
Yes.
George:
Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
of China?
Condi:
Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought
he was in the Middle East.
Condi:
That's correct.
George:
Then who is in China?
Condi:
Yes, sir.
George:
Yassir is in China?
Condi:
No, sir.
George:
Then who is?
Condi:
Yes, sir.
George:
Yassir?
Condi:
No, sir.
George:
Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader
of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi:
Kofi?
George:
No, thanks.
Condi:
You want Kofi?
George:
No.
Condi:
You don't want Kofi.
George:
No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi:
Yes, sir.
George:
Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi:
Kofi?
George:
Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi:
And call who?
George:
Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George:
Will you stay out of China?!
Condi:
Yes, sir.
George:
And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condi:
Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now
get on the phone.
(Condi
picks up the phone.)
Condi:
Rice, here.
George:
Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.
Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Those
of us old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares Game (before
Whoopi) will appreciate these. These are from the days when game
show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are
now. These are from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's.
Q:
If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least
how
high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
____________________________
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes...
____________________________
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably
a man or
a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
____________________________
Q: According to Cosmo magazine, if you meet a stranger at a
party and
you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly
and ask
him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
____________________________
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
____________________________
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I
love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a
twenty.
____________________________
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with
your
hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and
I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
____________________________
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
____________________________
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going to
get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!
___________________________
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
____________________________
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist
camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
____________________________
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
_________________________
Q: When you pat a dog on its head, he will usually wag his tail.
What
will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
____________________________
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth
to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the
dark.
____________________________
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
____________________________
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what
is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
___________________________
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150
pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
___________________________
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish
on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
____________________________
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife
or your
elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
_____________________________
Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to
him.
_____________________________
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes
in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
_____________________________
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long
enough.
_____________________________
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect
light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
Visit
the Molecular Expressions Website Galleria Photo Gallery Silicon
Zoo Chip Shots Screen Savers Museum Web Resources Primer Java
Microscopy Win Wallpaper Mac Wallpaper Publications Custom Photos
Image Use Contact Us Search Home Powers of Ten View the Milky
Way at 10 million light years from the Earth. Then move through
space towards the Earth in successive orders of magnitude until
you reach a tall oak tree just outside the buildings of the National
High Magnetic Field Laboratory in Tallahassee, Florida. After
that, begin to move from the actual size of a leaf into a microscopic
world that reveals leaf cell walls, the cell nucleus, chromatin,
DNA and finally, into the subatomic universe of electrons and
protons.
Intelligence
does not come with fame.
Question:
If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer:
"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not
live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever
I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah
Carey
"Smoking
kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've
never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside
of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm
not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on
the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That
lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate
in Texas.
"I
don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from
them. There were great numbers of people who
needed new land, and the Indians
were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
--John Wayne
"Half
this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies
manager, Danny Ozark
"It
isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice
President
"I
love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan
Quayle
"It's
no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way
or another"
--George Bush, US President
"We've
got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
"I
was provided with additional input that was radically different
from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The
word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius
is a guy like Norman
Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
"We
don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types
of people ." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If
we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton,
President
"We
are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally,
most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel
Enderbery
"Your
food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You
may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If
somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor
their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll
be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC
http://www.markfiore.com/animation/looting.swf
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